MAY-DAY
I would love to know if there was someone out there who reads my posts
What do you think my name is? Where do I live? Are you curious about me? are you curious? If you saw me in the crowd would you think I write my solmization here? Why do I change my URL sometimes? What do I look like?
And if so, how long have you been reading my deeply private journal all spread out on the Internet for everyone to see? I am applying to college and can barely handle the notion of writing to commercialize myself. for so long writing has been the most private part of my incredibly publicized life. For it to be ripped out of me is unholy. To share these drafts and act like I consented. My life is a story of nonconsent and being dragged along. Retaining agency is something I desperately wish for. Privacy, even as I write this, no one is home, but I can feel the spyglass on cold skin, privacy, is fought for, and it is lost. To think that someone who knows me can read these thoughts is so nightmarish that I sometimes consider deleting everything and begging for forgiveness. But it is almost an extension of my own identity. I have been publishing here for all of my teenage years and I am almost done with them. When I live in my own quiet home maybe these words will be things I can whisper to my wife late at night. But for teenagers everything is so loud and just continues to raise in volume. I am the most sensitive person I've ever known and I will truly cry at everything . polite little girls are the biggest burden of all. Everything in my brain exacerbates my worthlessness, but i can kill nerve and flesh to be strong. To this day, I wonder how my tear ducts haven't run out yet (Lol). But I have to be strong so I can get away from the panopticon, the cameras, the trackers, the screaming, the threats. I will be strong and be a cute & pretty magical girl, kiss my wife, make art, live in a place with closed doors and no cameras, give my consent to be touched, wear pretty dresses & slutty camis, do what I love. i will be strong bc I want to live a good long life & not be diminished