230524 - The worst little town
A stark reality and a possible over-share of personal information. This is quite separate from the usual disgustingly abstract metaphors you'll find on here.
I feel like my very large high school could constitute as a very small city. Along with just existing, I am forced to pursue several different activities in order to remain afloat, one of them being socializing and speaking to people. I really don't think that humans were made for stuff like this, or maybe it's just my human.
Unfortunately, as someone who is not too much of a social creature, and really more of a I-will-do-this-then-go-home sort of creature, I am quite the unhappy camper. Don't let this fool you– I am not quiet, by any means. I'm actually very loud; it's what comes most natural to my demeanor, and my rather pretentious-sounding writing style comes unexpected to those who hear me yelling in the hallways all day.
So, how do I cure my eternal boredom with the ins-and-outs of the peculiar self-contained society of public high school in the Year of Our Lord 2023? I find whatever interests and engages me the most and literally live a double life in my head. It's actually very embarrassing. I could be playing violin and also thinking about writing a self-indulgent essay about Ianthe Naberius being fucking awful. Self-entertaining is my specialty.
My aforementioned talkativeness kind of gets out of hand when it comes to my interests, or as people would call it in the modern age, hyperfixations. Thankfully, I have graduated from the state of life in which I would spill feelings on every passerby and bless them with the exact coordinates of my emotional state at the moment, but I remain a chronic over-sharer in the way that I will go on and on about whatever I like at the moment. This is why everything is a Homestuck reference (buckets), but everything is also a Revue Starlight reference (giraffe? banana? chariot? sisters? tomatoes? the french? wasians?), and everything is a reference and also an invitation for me to flip the fuck out about anything that I like. I would say I need to stop doing this, but the people who would also like me to stop have discontinued their committment to talking to me, so the people who I actually talk to are also the ones who, maybe not enjoy, but are willing to tolerate, my endless rants. Thank jod (jegus?)! (I know. I'm sorry.)
When I was younger and surrounded by people who also spent a lot of time not being normal, I was pretty happy, actually. I don't think I understood the true extent to which public high school beats down loud weird kids, until I realized that I am the loud weird kid who people tolerate because I can give them homework and camaraderie. I go to a place where rumors are like actual viruses, and I've gotten the fair share spread about myself. Many of these are simply just something along the lines of these three: she's autistic or something, she's depressed (which I am not!), and mostly she is gay. I think it's like the ninety-year-old Korean grandmothers meeting with the old white knitting ladies and having the greatest convention of rumor-spreading in the history of the universe. The amount of breakdowns I've had over in my older cousin's text messages this year over being outed to some guy again is almost unbecoming. Almost. I am quite a becoming person, actually.
Nonetheless, it is time for life updates, because I want to.
The first is that I have rekindled my interest in web design, which is good, because that means I can now take part in my ever-growing desire to decentralize and disconnect from big-company internet. This is why I use this site! And it's also why all my posts are transferred from my old Substack. Also, the url is nice.
The second is that I finally have a job, which is cool. I'm working as an editing and researching intern for a publication over the summer remotely, and waiting for responses from a couple bookstores that I'm trying for in-person jobs. I got a progress update email today, so I am crossing my fingers and flushing ice down the toilet or whatever.
Finally, I have an obsession with Paganini's Mosé-fantasia. I have printed out the sheet music and begun working on it.
This can't sensibly count as a life update due to my conscience telling me it is not a life update but rather, a life downgrade, but I am on page 4875 of Homestuck.
Ok, thanks for reading. I'll be back with something more substantial soon. Happy living fuckers